[x]
All Deviations


In the beginning, there were
talking stalks of candy sweet corn,
fat happy pepper plants
and jeweled ruby tomatoes,
pirouetting up from the rich earth,
each green leaf another taste of Eden.
                    Each tiny stalk and curly-q’d vine
                    quenched on the sweat of my father’s hands,
                    each root tenderly curling the base of his spine.

Now, the ground is scarred,
mouths of soil thrown open, gaping wild;
this land is a sandy grimace garnished,
gouged by the murky waters of August
and the chemical cures restless to roam.
                   My father, gazing on his ghost of Eden past,
                   closes his heavy lids over melting eyes and
                   feels the furrows to the bone, the bone.
©2008 ~merr-child
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Submitted: April 10
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This Eden, scoured to the bone.
______
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*KyraShangea:iconKyraShangea: Apr 10, 2008, 10:05:32 PM
I especially like the end of the poem, and I think it's well-structured.

I will say that I don't care for lines 2-4 because they sound ... generic. The rest of the words really stand out. Who knows, maybe I'm picky.

--
Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Enter my contests!
*angelwalker:iconangelwalker: Apr 11, 2008, 7:18:52 AM
I agree with Kyra (about liking the ending). You have a way of hitting people strongly at the end. Sadly this is how I feel a lot of the time, that the world has been ripped open and is dieing. *sighs*... going to the corner to be emo, bbl. XD

--
Most women look for a knight in shining armor, I'm looking for a werewolf.

The last flicker of daylight calls to me, but yet into the darkness I walk.

.K.
~EvaLilith:iconEvaLilith: Apr 12, 2008, 8:48:37 AM
The contrast in imagery is really awesome.

:hug:

--
:looking up a suspect:
"Lloyd P. Nash." :laughs: "Wanna guess what the "P" stands for?"
"Is it pertinent?"
"Not even close."
- from "Due South"
[link] - Rubber ducks.
~merr-child:iconmerr-child: May 21, 2008, 1:34:27 PM
<3

--
"A man destined to hang can never drown." Regina Spektor
~merr-child:iconmerr-child: May 21, 2008, 1:34:39 PM
Thank you dear!

--
"A man destined to hang can never drown." Regina Spektor